MomMe TV Blog :: "Tara Says"

I spent this weekend sleeping on the bottom bunk beneath my 8 yr old. Two dear friends slept under their daughters also. We had a grand weekend at Girl Scout Camp, all in all. Especially if you don’t count cold showers, lumpy beds or the lack of masseuses & vino available. But seriously, it was cool to share with our daughters who had a blast flying down the zipline & floating around the pond. I came away feeling great about the value of Girl Scouts in my daughter’s life.

Some of my best childhood memories were from Scouting. I believe in being a good person, a good friend & a good citizen. Those lessons were underscored by the badges we earned. Scouting can be an awesome way for girls to develop strong moral character. Of course, good parenting is key, but scouting can be a wonderful tool.

At camp, I noticed a lot of the Moms were those I see when I volunteer at school. Now, there could be lots of reasons for this. But it’s remarkable the pool of women who believe in service do so across the board. I feel badly for the Moms who miss what ya get from service. (I respect some Moms have jobs that don’t allow them to do much. If that’s the case, then so be it.) I’m writing to Moms who can’t find the enthusiasm to go for it. There’s something really great about attending our kids’ activities . I saw my daughter grow. I saw her interact with friends. If you have the chance to go do activities with your kids, I encourage you to go for it. Don’t do it because you “want to”, do it because it’s good for your child to have you there. You’ll come home tired. Yep, ya will. But you’ll also come home with invaluable insights. Kids feel valued when we make time to enter their worlds. This Motherhood gig ends all too soon & you can’t get the time back. Ah c’mon! Go for it, girlfriend!

Posted by Sassypants at 10:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

I don’t claim to have children who are not picky eaters. Most kids are picky to some degree. But I do have the two bite rule. No matter how completely gnarly you are just sure it LOOKS, you must try those two (decent sized!) bites. One my hugest peeves is those who only look & think they don’t like it. Maybe they don’t. The point is failure to try is not helpful.

The other day my 4 yr old said to her sister. “You need to at least try a bite because what if you like it? You need to TRY!” That’s the true spirit of the 2-Bite Rule. It’s perfectly okay if you don’t like it. You’re done. But what if you do like it? What if your vision of the world expands to include another good thing? That’s why when they do discover they like something, we get excited...

We remind each other later in passing conversations how remember that time we tried couscous & it was actually good? All of us need encouragement to stay open. It’s never more important that in our formative years.

We believe in staying young no matter our age, but that’s about remaining open & flexible. It’s a gift to our kiddos that they not be afraid to try new things. It’s a bigger gift not to be the kid who never enjoys meals at anyone else’s house because ya only eat certain things or ya can only eat the way your mom makes something. It’s painful for them to be so limited. Some kids require a specific diet, I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about kids who just prefer the safety of the known. We owe them the glory of that chance that leads to a wonderful expansion of their little worlds.

Posted by Sassypants at 08:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

This Mother’s Day I continued a ritual I started a few years back. I get or make cards for the mothers in my life that I love & admire. Now, I can’t afford all the cards I want to get, of course! But the process of listing out the women currently & in my history who’ve given generously of themselves reminds me how blessed I am. I have such a lovely little collection of influences!

Several moms of my girlfriends growing up were so good to me. Some of the Moms I send to are now widowed and/or their children grown. Some Moms are new and some are mid-journey like me. We all could use a hug sometimes, ya know? Once I became a mother I realized that mothering’s one of those jobs that society seems to deem “noble” like being a minister or a teacher. What that really means is there’s a lot of lip service to how great it is, but the pay is generally crummy. So I thought what’s MY responsibility to the Moms in my world? Listen, sending cards will not save the world, but I hope it sends blessings. Small acts of love count.

I send as many cards & notes as I can. I try not to beat myself up over not being able to do more. I try to keep it simple & send my love for each Mother’s loving example to me. Doing this keeps me grateful and encouraged that maybe I do more good as a Mom than just my own kiddos. Many women do not have families who bother to celebrate them on Mother’s Day. We can’t change that. I just think if we, who know the job intimately, reached out & offered a little encouragement once a year that it’d do a world of good.

Posted by Sassypants at 02:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

What advice might I have for a new mother? A friend asked and I was staggered to consider the question. There is so much to say!

I guess the biggest thing is stay on yourself to be a good example. The role of Mother is precious, honorable & joyous, but it’s only part of who we are. We’ve a special responsibility to keep growing as women. How will our kids learn to blossom if we’ve not done so? We must nourish our selves in order to properly nourish them. Beware the seduction of believing that mothering is an end in itself. Never stop trying to live your best life & be your best self. Never. Strive for balance in your life.

Men never seem to struggle with who they are. Neither should we. We can be proud of all the roles we play as wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, co-worker, etc. Just because mothering might be our favorite or take the most energy for a period doesn’t mean it’s wise to let our lives be only about that aspect. If we do that, we risk losing our very selves when we become empty nesters. There is life after raising them! We’ve got to keep our eye on that. They deserve to be able to fly from the nest when they are ready and so do we.

Don’t be emotionally cowed into not having a private life with healthy friendships and personal interests. Do the work of investing in yourself so that you are a vibrant example to your children of someone who loves life and enjoys it. If we owe them anything, perhaps it’s a good example of how to be healthy & happy.

Posted by Sassypants at 08:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Growing up I often heard how important family is. I even heard ministers say you can’t understand God’s loves until you’ve been a parent. (I ache for those who were disenfranchised by this.) Parenting is surely a sacred trust that brings special joys. I’m concerned about the ugly underbelly of thinking parenting makes us superior. It’s a subtle snobbery ‘cuz it’s a good thing tainted. Having kids does not mean you “get” life any better than anyone else. Greater understanding is earned through diligence to honest priorities. You don’t need kids for that! Never let yourself condescend to those who don’t have kids. Maybe parenting has taught you to be a better person, that doesn’t mean it’d do the same for everyone. Leave some room for other life experiences.

Some parents seem really into their children, but upon closer inspection, it’s clearly narcissism. It’s easy to let their successes give us status & thus live focused on them. Yet our kids must never fortify our egos! Parenting that way minimizes them & cheapens us. It falsely inflates our sense of ourselves. There are few worse parental examples than being self-righteous. Nothing should humble us more than our kids. Like a pilot never becomes too comfortable in the air, we gotta stay modest.

Parenting is a sacred charge, not a status upgrade. Heaven save us from forgetting who we are & what the job is. And protect us from the pompous myth that parenting makes us better than others. What make us finer people is dedication & hard work. Healthy parenting makes us properly respectful of others, not better than them. Can I get an Amen from the choir on that, sisters?

Posted by Sassypants at 08:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

It’s hard to be a Mom. You hear that before kids, but they aren’t very specific. Maybe there’s no way to properly articulate the grueling nature of trying to be a good parent. Perhaps ‘cuz it’s not something ya do & go home like mountain climbing or performing colo-rectal surgery. Sure, those are really hard, but you go home afterwards. Parenting’s more like trying to find a cure for disease. Our end result optimally has to be rendered healthy, happy, well mannered & prepared for life! YIKES! Who can prepare someone for life? I’m still in the middle of it, for cryin’ out loud! Wouldn’t an expert be better for such a critical task? When the hormones ebb the farthest, I ask myself this between sobs while devouring a bag of salt-n-vinegar chips.

There’s never a night I don’t feel deeply responsible for their futures or fear I’m ruining them somehow. All I want is for them to feel loved and safe in this world, yet have enough a taste of need & sadness to be grateful, hard working and compassionate. I want my kids to be the kind of people who make great neighbors, know what I mean? I don’t recall anyone mentioning how trying it is to daily figure how to help varied personalities achieve that end & still get to bed on time with their teeth brushed.

There’s little more important than raising decent humans. I just hope between the admonishments to “stop whacking your sister”, “if you argue once more, I’m taking it” & “I’m sure you had no idea saying that would make her squall like a mashed cat, but apologize anyway” that the larger messages of being true & upstanding are getting through to them. Only time will confirm this. Until then, I try to balance the big picture & the daily trivialities knowing I’ve done my best. I can only hope that’s enough.

Posted by Sassypants at 02:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Dear Tara,
Before kids I tried to work on myself and do volunteer work. Once the babies came, I found my time dwindling terribly. I watch Oprah while I fold laundry sometimes, but I miss having more time to read & being able to do volunteer projects. I’ll be going back to work in a couple years & that means less time! How can I keep my spirit fed? Can I parent & still do some good in the world? These days getting a daily shower is a challenge. How sad is that? How can I make my life now count? I feel like such a wimp.
Dispirited in Detroit

I love your questions, & I’ve fabulous news! Spiritual truths are revealed in the mundane. You can always learn, grow & serve. When we view daily tasks as sacred acts of loves, we begin to see them as chances to give rather than just a series of meaningless chores. It matters deeply that you make your bed, change a diaper & do the laundry…again! Perspective changes everything! See your work as meaningful. Rock the daily grind! All people are important, so all caring is equally significant. Since our children are our sacred charges, the work that goes into raising them to be healthy, strong & true is critical. Honey, don’t demean your service! And don’t demean what you learn from their learning process. Parenting refines our character like nobody’s business.

A Zen philosopher mused, “Ecstasy and then the laundry”. Isn’t that great?! Life is a balance of moments of clarity & daily mundane tasks. Mother Teresa said we do nothing great, only simple things with great love. You do not have to be out there feeding malaria victims to count! If you’re a loving wife, caring mother, good daughter, friend or sister…girl, you are already on the board! There will be later chapters where you can do more outside the home, the world will not run out of needs.

Mothers are often like desert plants that must grow deep roots to find nourishment. I know Moms who get up early or stay up late to pray, meditate, read, journal, do yoga, attend studies, and some even listen to inspirational cd’s during carpool. Be creative & keep stretching. Dare to befriend that woman whom you admire. Dare to ask your husband to watch the kids one night so you can attend a meeting or a class. Dare because you are worth it. Dare because your kids NEED a healthy Mom. Dare because daring keeps us strong & vibrant. Be proud of this chapter in your life. It’s as honorable as serving soup to lepers. Don’t wait for the rearview mirror to show you how that ordinary days are sacred, too.

Posted by Sassypants at 05:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Dear Tara,
My problem is my mother-in-law. She puts me down in subtle, and not so subtle, ways. Nothing I do has ever been good enough. Her word is never to be questioned and her judgments perfect. I hate conflict, so over the years I’ve done my best to not dwell on the slights. To be fair, she is good to our children. I do appreciate that. I don’t want negative conflict in our family, but I’ve been her doormat long enough. I want to tell her the snide comments aren’t okay. It’s time I started drawing some lines. Don’t I have the right to stand up for myself without causing a family war? Isn’t it important to not let her walk on me in the name of peace? I’ve waited for her to respect me long enough. I’m done.
Suffering in Sausalito

Dear Suffering,
It’s grueling to have a mother-in-law who’s not supportive. It’s unfair she doesn’t acknowledge your devotion. Unfortunately life is not fair. In the Rockwell family picture everyone seems so happy together. Reality can differ dramatically. And yet we still hope for the cozy picture….sigh…

Our expectations largely determine our experience in life. Were your initial hopes that she’d be another mother figure or an ally? Recall your expectations & grieve the losses. Let go of all you hoped “would be”. Choose to focus on the GOOD in your life. Be the bigger person. Remember though, a doormat is never a bigger person! It’s likely your MIL’s comments are precisely because she’s threatened by how competent she perceives you to be. (Read: JEALOUS) Your MIL can be a snit all day, but it’s only a problem if you care. Accept who she is & focus on being the woman YOU want to be.

If you want change, you must change. Maybe that’s not fair. But it’s true. It’s okay to set healthy boundaries. It’s okay to limit time with her to what you can take. Telling her how to act won’t get you anywhere. It will escalate her underlying aggression. The key is to not aim to be “right”, but to be in control…of yourself. Let go of the “need” for her to be good to you. Let this experience humble you with your children’s spouses one day. Be the example you want your kids to learn, my friend. Maybe they don’t know the dynamic of your relationship with Grandma, they’ll just feel loved by all. Isn’t that what you really want most?

Posted by Sassypants at 05:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I never dreamed I’d be divorced. But I was. Darn near killed me. Now, I’m married to Mr. Wonderful & livin’ the Dream. It’s the best hard job I ever had. Yet I’m always studying happy marriages for insights. I focus on the long-term tenaciously.

I’ve noticed lately couples who forget how their lives were before they found each other are hosed. When you have someone who just seems to complete you, you get used to that level of love & validation. It’s easy to forget how lonely you were before there was someone to go to foreign films with you; someone who also loves Joan Osborne & the Sunday New York Times. It’s easy to forget you no longer feel like the world’s biggest dork at social events. It’s easy to forget. But a good marriage is a discipline.

Kinda like Greek myths where the gods punish those who forget to be grateful. (Some marriages ought to end. If he’s cruel to you or your kids, pack now, girl!) The problem is taking for granted a very good thing. I’m talking wasting good love, wasting perfectly good life, wasting…man, wasting! We have a finite slice of time on earth. Why, oh why, would we not be grateful daily for the good in our lives? Why would we model any less for our children? Are we complete & total idiots?

There really are good, long marriages out there. We could learn a lot if we chose. Love that stays fresh thrives when we don’t forget where we came from & who we were before. Keep it real, so they say. Right on. Keep it real & keep it, I say.

Posted by Sassypants at 03:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)