MomMe TV Blog :: "Tara Says"

I begin my Gratitude List with our family, friends, health, safe community, good schools, etc. My material goods are further down. A housefire can take them & I'd rebuild (well, except for losing the pictures, for some reason that'd just kill me). But If we lost our health or there was terrible strife in our family, it'd be truly devastating. As parents, we're to teach our kids our values through lessons, discussion, & actions. Kids who think it's essential to get a BMW for their 16th or can't live without their cell or Gameboy are missing the mark. We've got to make sure our children value what matters most. Strong morals & values do not just happen, even in good families. Learning to live with gratefulness & purpose are disciplines we work on most of our lives. It's never too early to start.

The critical element of gratefulness is being genuinely present to notice the details. Our lives are filled with the thrum of our activities & commitments, but are we truly aware of the good while it's happening? Are we missing the simple joys, mundane acts of goodness, the love being daily offered to us? It's easy to stop paying attention to what truly matters. Living with purpose is focusing on what we value most & not just mindlessly going along. It requires a bit of effort, thought & determination. Yet a life lived thoughtfully renders us personally fulfilled & enabled to share the best of who we are. Andy Wickstrand, environmental advocate, said it this way, "I believe when we live without intention something integral is vacant from our souls and indeed all of humanity misses out." It's so true! We've got to get beyond letting others or even the rush of life tell us what to do. We can take back our destinies at any moment & our children need to know that.

We've so many daily opportunities to appreciate our lives. Each time we pause from the daily grind & relish a moment, we do a little mental push-up. Our ability to control & enjoy our lives is strengthened when we focus. Sometimes at stoplights I make myself feel the steering wheel, smell the air, & just be grateful for my family & our life. A moment of reminding myself what's good. As I take laundry from the dryer, I say a little prayer of thanks if we're all healthy today, and I say a prayer for those we know who are not. When I drive by an accident, I'm thankful we're safe, & I send a prayer for those hurt, as well as those who'll be getting a tough phone call. Waiting in lines, I try to remind myself how lucky I am to have such swell little girls & a husband I admire. There are a million moments to reflect on what's good in our lives right then. We just have to choose to be open. First we must intend to find what's beautiful in our times & then create ways to remind ourselves. It's not so hard. And we must teach our children to do this.

I'm big on pointing out sunsets, fall leaves, pretty flowers, the smell of a freshly mown lawn, etc. When I show them I add, "Aren't we lucky we saw that today? It's so cool, huh?!" Days or weeks later, I'll say, "Remember when we saw the snow on the mountains? We're so lucky we get to see that, some kids don't get to live near the mtns." It's my way of helping them to notice good around them & be grateful. When they want something new, we often talk about how it's possible we might get it, but what it costs & how not all children might be able to have that. I've friends who give one toy away each time they get a new one. Since our family is a "yours, mine & ours", we talk about what it means to have a loving family & how not all kids are lucky enough to have one. We talk about ways to be kind to someone who doesn't, & we discuss how they too can create a loving family by making wise choices. I try to daily tell them I love them, daily hug them, & daily mention what I see them doing right in between rants about why their hair isn't brushed yet or their shoes are still in the walkway for the 40 millionth time. Life's not simple or tidy. We just do our best each day. When we fail, we just get up again as soon as we can. Improvement is a matter of tiny gains & not giving up until we're proud.

Have you told your kids what they mean to you? Does your partner? If we asked if you're a grateful person, would they agree? Every day is a crisp, new chance to be open to the goodness in our lives. Each day presents a fresh chance to help our children learn to create lives they love. We just gotta remember we "Must Be Present to Win".

Posted by Sassypants at 09:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Thanksgiving is comin' soon. Oh, the food! The fall-themed decorations! Families gathering! We Moms have so much to do! Has stopping a moment to think of all we have to be grateful for made the List? Have we told our loved ones we're thankful for them? Have we challenged them to consider what they're grateful for in their own lives? It's easy to give lip service to the idea we should be thankful. I mean, we all think that's a great idea. But kids learn little from our intentions & so much from our actions.

I'm culling a list of ideas for helping kids consider & express their gratitude. It feels great for me to think of all the things I'm thankful for in this chapter of my life. Freshens my perspective & energizes me. I want that for my children as well. Being grateful gives us a worldview that nourishes & propels us through the days. That's why I try to create or leverage every teachable moment I can. Please feel free to share/post any ideas you have also!

Taking the time to write or draw the things we're thankful for is a great exercise for kids. The process of compiling the list challenges us to realize things we take for granted. My girls enjoy making cards for family & friends just to say "I love you!". Some kids would rather call or write a note or even play piano on the phone for widowed Aunt Sally in Okoboji. There are lots of creative ways to think of people we love & do for them. Some years we go around the dinner table & list what we're grateful for. This is neat, but I advise the girls ahead of time to think of things or we get comments that copy the person before us. It's critical each child think about her own life. One thing we're doing this year is to talk about how having enough to eat is a big reason to be grateful. We're having discussions about how families live in the 3rd world & about local food banks. We've donated dinners & the girls carry the food in after we gather it. On one hand, I'm grateful my girls never worry about where the next meal is coming from, yet on the other I'm concerned they don't reallize how great it is that Daddy & Mommy work so hard to make this life they enjoy.

The real reason to cultivate thankfulness in our kids is ungratefulness is a quagmire. It leads to a life of discontent. None of us wants that for our children. But they only know to be grateful for what they have when it's explained what others do not have. Volunteering in outreach projects is always good experience. Taking sandwiches to the guys on the corner can be an option. I had friends who took the whole family Thanksgiving morning to make/serve breakfast at a local Ronald McDonald House. They had their dinner later that day, but first they cared for tolks who needed a little TLC. I's a good time of year to begin challenging our youngsters to think of ways to help others who need it. Maybe it's a good time to rake the elderly man next door's leaves or shovel the widow down the road's driveway. It's an amazing thing when kids begin to see how good they feel when they consciously are grateful for what they have & what they have to give.

No kid realizes to be grateful for what he has by sitting at home & listening to a parent talk about how good they have it. We adults have to generate ways to encourage our kids to see the world with compassion & gratitude. There are lots of fun ideas to help kids see how lucky they are to have a loving family, their health, friends, a safe home, regular meals, a good school, etc. May creating family traditions that honor the blessings you have be a grand adventure for you & yours. Thank you for reading. Happy Thanksgiving!

Posted by Sassypants at 06:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

They say the best gift you can give your kids is to love their mother/father. When you're married, there are days when this is the hardest thing of all to do, sister. Since I want my daughters to see a loving, healthy marriage firsthand, I work hard to protect our relationship. The vast majority of the time I adore, respect & love my husband. He's the most amazing man I ever knew. That said, there are days when it becomes crystal clear to me how important it is to own my stuff in life. I've noticed the moment I begin blaming him, overtly or unconsciously, things get tough (and vice versa). When I own my own choices & balance that with respecting he does not have to meet my every expectation, we do great. And vice versa!

I've seen a few marriages crash & one culprit is the need to make the other person always the bad guy & ourselves always the victim. This is rarely true, if ever. Two people create a marriage & their choices keep it directed. When I hear myself raging that he "always" and the rest of the story is about how I did NOTHING wrong, that's when I slow myself down. I make myself go over the situation(s) again & think what I might possibly have done/said that he could see from a different angle. This often leads to my being hacked off at myself because while I never "meant" something, it's possible Mr. "On My Nerves" could misunderstand/misinterpret what I meant. Geez, does that stink or what? To realize you don't really need to be as MAD as you want to be in that moment? But that's a critical moment, y'all. The course of relationships are decided over small turns we make, even those in anger. Once I see my part, I make myself own it.....to him. This disarms our anger & leaves room for us to actually deal with the problem. Funny, we mothers (who gave birth) should best know that it's only when we pushed thru the pain did we get to the part where they handed us the prized child we wanted. Sometimes we gotta go thru the pain of admitting things could look different to someone else. Or actually admitting what we really wanted but were not comforable saying outright. Hidden agendas are lethal.

The need to demonize those who offend or hurt us has not only ruined marriages, it's caused wars over the centuries. It's the easiest thing to do when we're hurt. Women are largely emotional creatures & we're socialized not to cause harm. That's well & fine, but we have to respect it also sets us up to NEED to make the other person bad in order to feel like we're not. Sometimes there's no bad guy. Sometimes there's no one to blame. Sometimes we're demanding someone answer in our language, instead of theirs (a little Mars/Venus anyone?) Sometimes we just need some space & to stop imagining the other person is trying to ruin our lives. We need to keep working to give the person we claim to love most the room to make choices we would not. We need to give ourselves room to be uncomfortable & not make everyone else pay for that. Marriage is a team sport. (Remember, there's no I in team, girls!) Generally, our partner is on our team. When we forget that & begin to define them as Enemy, we do damage. And we set an example for our kiddos that won't serve them well. It's hard to be the bigger person; to step back & not let things get to where we bear the scars for years. We can control that, sisters. We just have to want a positive outcome more than a quick, emotional fix.

So next time he drives you straight up the wall, step back & go slow. Give him room think differently. You don't always have to end up stuck. It takes a little more self discipline & willingness to think WHY things are going sideways. But you can get to stronger emotional places if you've got a good spouse. You really can.

PS If you're in an emotionally or physically abusive situation, this is NOT the advice for you. You're playing in an entirely different ballpark. I know. If there's physical abuse, please understand it's a matter of time before it escalates & he hits your kids. Don't play games with yourself. Get out & get help....for your kids if you can't do it for yourself. Having your kids live in an abusive environment is NEVER, NEVER, NEVER better for them than living in a shelter or with a relative or living in a home where the parents are separated. An abusive home is toxic to the soul of a child. You have to make the hard choices, & I'm sorry if you have to. But we owe our children the best we can do at any level in life. Never put up with an abuser. Your children see it & they'll think it's okay on some level because they trust you to show them the truth in life. If you're in such a situation, I wish you luck, more love & a chance to move forward to better chapters. You get that only when you let go. There's a time to hang on & a time to let go. If there's an abuser in your house, no matter how charming he can be or has been, it's a sign from the universe you must leave. God go with you....every step.

http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/emotional_abuse.html
http://www.safe4all.org/resource-list/index?category=2
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence/WO00044

Posted by Sassypants at 01:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)